"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet." by Charles C. Finn I just wanted you to know. Lace

I bungled a little today. I sent a text saying "I am the most dressed up person here :/ Colin Shannon had the opportunity to bring Amanda but didnt...:)"...TO COLIN. I meant to send it to Elissha. Bungled. Anyway we were at red lobster and it was hella awkward. He left the table, I'm sure to talk to Amanda. Which is perfectly ok! lmao he was totally freaked which is funny. I was a little freaked but I think I acted normal. He came back to the table and said, to me, "I'm going to improve my interpersonal communications and not say anything." And I didn't get it for a minute and said "What, about John Mayer?" because that's what we had been talking about. Then he said "Don't worry about it. Don't worry 'bout a thing." So I think he's, you know, gonna...forgive? me. Pretend it didn't happen. Whatever. Whatever. Everything happens for a reason. Even this. If he starts hanging out with me less or not at all, or if Amanda acts weird and hangs out with me less, it will be ok. I've needed something to help me kick these stupid crushes. It's a bummer though, because I really do like Amanda, and I don't want her to think I'm trying to steal her boyfriend or something. I honestly like playing ukulele, and I just like being friends with Colin. I don't want to come between them, and I don't think I could even if I wanted to. Embarrassing, but I don't think it will have any ill effects. I guess that's the way my life is going to go. You can't have something good like learning the ukulele (which, as a matter of fact, I actually do like and not just because of him) without something bad like getting hurt by the guy who taught you to play.

I just. I just. I need to lose this weight. I am absolutely sure that if I look the way I used to, I'll get who I want when I want them, the way I used to. Blah blah skinny conformity blah. I am at risk for diabetes, I am uncomfortable in my own skin and it just contributes to my depression. I need to lose this damn weight.

I know I should really try to keep on the positive side more often, so here: I had a really great day. Just absolutely superb. I woke up, got ready, yadda yadda, met Colin to go to work. I like him but I can keep control of it. That's good, right? He's cute in the morning, and that's the last crushy thing I'll say about today. Anyway, we went to work and it was fun. We chatted and the time flew by because the work is really easy and Dawn is very nice and it's really a great job. I'm so excited. Yoga was wonderful. I needed it because the one bad thing about the mail room is that my shoulders and neck get really tense while I'm working. Stretching was looovely. After work I started playing uke and I got all carried away and played for too long so I had to like rush through lunch and practically run to McKenny to turn in my I-9. I was only a few minutes late to work again at 2, but I still don't like that. Amanda cracks me up. That will most likely wear off and I'll end up totally sick of her but right now I like her. When I got back at 5, I thought about taking a nap but instead me, Lish and Julie went to Starbucks (Julie invited herself, which isn't really a big deal, her being there, but when people do that...idk it's rude) and Taco Bell and then Lish and Julie and I perused the bookstore until 7 when Away We Go started. I bought Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen because I don't have that one. Anyway, I was like three or four minutes late to the movie and missed the very beginning. It was a GREAT movie. I came back to the room and just chilled until like 9:15 and then me and Julie went back up to the Student Center and watched Away We Go again. Incase you were wondering, it was good. We came back and watched the youtube-posted Me & My Dick from the UofM team behind A Very Potter Musical. Oh my god. Sooo goddamn funny. It was a lot longer than I thought and so now it's like 4AM and I have to be up for work at 9 tomorrow. I'm really tired but I just wanted to get this down. Good days should be acknowledged more often. Really.

It seems like a lot of the things that could go wrong recently have. My financial aid is five different kinds of fucked up. Both boys I've had crushes on have gotten girlfriends. A C in astronomy lecture. But let's try to stay positive: I fixed the work-study situation. I'm doing great in my other classes. I did get a job, and it's with Colin Shannon. I'm learning the ukulele.

I should probably say that Colin Shannon is teaching me ukulele. That would be the reason for the list in the previous post. :]

A few lively updates:

Definitely don't like Lace anymore. Or at least I certainly mean not to.

I'm tired of video-gaming, indoor boys. I want a guy who likes adventuring outside, or at least venturing outside his room now and then. >_< I've decided that nerds are no longer my "type". I mean, I can't switch off like that, but I'm going to try to convert myself, you know? Perhaps to indie/hippie boys. I think probably them.

I've been eating junk food like crazy both as a result of PMS and of emotional stress.  I need more meds fo' real.

Colin's dating Amanda, and she is SO awesome. I was on the edge of liking him, but now I shall refrain. It's good that I'm old enough to have that bit of control ( i think ) now.

I had an energy drink, and I thought it would last an hour or two, tops, but here I am at 6AM. Bad idea like woah.

I'm thinking of rushing Greek in the winter semester. I mean, I am sick of only having like six people to hang out with. I'm BORED.

Single Ladies - Beyonce
Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3
Best Day - Taylor Swift
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon/Paramore
Do You Believe In Magic
That Green Gentleman - PATD
Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
Alive with the Glory of Love - Say Anything
It's Raining Men
Eleanor Rigby

I like the way you smile at me. I like the way you smile.

I like the way you look at me. I like the way you look.

I like the way you say yes when I ask you to go places, I like how you invite me along as well.

I like when you walk with me in a group of people.

I like when I catch you looking at me. I hope you noticing me noticing you looking at me won't stop you. I love that sentence.

I like that you are the only one of my friends so far who's read my little story. I like what you said about it and I hope you meant it.

I like your fun friends. I like your grasshopper legs.

I love when you play the ukelele. I love when you play songs I ask for.

I really like the way you whistle. I like the way you move your mouth when you're concentrating on playing the hard part of a song.

I like the way you curl your enormously long body up into tiny spaces.

I like the way you roll your eyes. I can't even pinpoint when it is that you do it, but you do it often and it cracks me up. I just....it's so funny!

I like how you smile all the time, but then you really surprise me by saying mean things sometimes and it reminds me you are a person and not just this imaginary character I've constructed. I like it when you do that.

I like how you don't mind me listening to you practice. I like that you like books and writing. And not tv or video games.

I really like you. You are very interesting and just...I like being around you. I'd like to be friends with you. You get to choose if it goes further. I just wish I knew what you were thinking when I catch you looking at me.

is extremely interesting.

I discovered last night that asking someone questions is a lot easier and a lot less awkward feeling (for me at least) while I'm drawing them, or drawing in general. Then I don't have to look at them, and I have something to do with my fidgety hands.

Anyway, thus far Colin and my dad have been the only people to respond to my posting of my story. I'm pretty unhappy about that. Like, Stina? Julie? Anyone?

:'[

But both colin and my dad liked it, and I'm happy about that. I was especially glad that Colin did because he writes, and writes well if you ask me, and I love getting feedback from other writers.

I'm way behind on homework, but I have a really flexible assignment in my LitCrit class. Basically I get to write about any criticism system, and for any length, about the Sexing the Cherry book. Cool.

So guess what I'm going for? Deconstruction and love. Duh.

Winterson talks about love a lot in this book, but in a lot of different ways, which is perfect for deconstruction. And deconstruction is perfect for talking about love. It's like the way love was meant to be discussed. Anyway, it's going to be awesome.

I mean, motherly love, divine love (as in the love people believe god has for them), lust, death love, love as a means to a better life, as an escape. False love, the kind where you imagine that the person you love is...well different than they actually are. Maybe you just do this in small ways, but it's especially true at the beginning of relationships, where you think the sun shines out their ass, etc.

What a boring weekend. Thank god for medication.